*Princess Humaira’*

As I slipping through the Today newspaper early this morning, my eyes were hooked up on an article under the Relationship column, ‘Loved to Death”. The headlines of the article was ‘Holding on too tight is the fastest way to lose someone’. Here is a bit of the story…” So when you do meet the promising someone, sometimes all you want to do is to hold on tightly as not to lose them. Unfortunately, that can result in the opposite of the desired outcome. Holding on tight is an almost sure way of getting that special someone to try and squirm out of your very tight grasp.” So how do you show your love to that special someone? Are you trying to smother them with love and affection or just set them free? Sometimes, you start to smother as your feeling of insecurity grows. This leads to one-person-loving-more theory to be applicable in this situation. Meaning, you love your partner more than their feelings on you. But if one person has to love more, why it should be you? Most of us would agree that by smothering and chasing our partner all around, keeping a bit of distance between you and your partner is always a safe play and a good practice. Have our own life and do you own things sometimes instead of creating 24-hour of non-stop suffocation in our partner’s life with our existence and affection that they do not have even a sip of fresh air without us in it. According to the article, there are some signs and symptoms to identify whether you are smothering or suffocating someone who you believe is your true love. If you recognise yourself as having any of the signs below, then you are stopping your partner to breath.

You SMS every once in a while and if you don’t get an immediate reply, you SMS even more

You call all the time telling him or her you miss them

You turned up unannounced at his or her house to surprise him or her

You get sulky when he or she can’t see you because they have other plans or commitments

You expect him or her to want to stay with you all the time

You believe that the best way to show your love is by making your presence felt every minute of the day

As the article ends up a pinch of the principle on love, it says that it is better to let our partner to have their own sweet time breathing without us disturbing and distracting them. After all, the adage “Treat them mean to keep them keen” has some truth in it. If we are having any of those signs above, it is advisable for us to try cooling down and stop all those habits. This might prevent our partner from driving themselves away from us and making them appreciate us more (hope so).

p/s: this is just what the author said. It might not be applicable to all. Some people enjoy the persistent smothering of love by their partners. But I do feel that each of us need our own sweet time and space to do our thingy without any interruptions or participations from our loved ones.

Love Allah fisrt before you love His creatures...

Love Allah fisrt before you love His creatures...

Jumaat…

Semalam hari Jumaat bersamaan 6 Februari 2009. Hari di mana coursework terakhir untuk sem ni perlu dihantar. Alhamdulillah, kali ini, both reports were printed a day before submission. Sesuatu yang membanggakan bagi diri saya yang agak tidak terurus sem ni. For the rest of 5 sems in IMU, all my coursework was done and completed in the last minute. I only can work under the pressure of limited time. That’s when I work efficiently and also ‘killing’ myself at the same time. Hope that I can change this bad behaviour in Strathclyde cause obviously I wanna grad with distinction.

Semalam again there was back-to-back lectures by Prof Brian. Syllabus for the first lecture was Thyroid disease while the second was about the therapeutic uses of glucocorticoids. As usual, the mundane and monotonous lecture by Prof Brian forced many of us who were present in the lecture hall to fall asleep. I found out about this during the way back from time square when anis and zul said that they slept during the lecture. Me, myself was trying to stay awake even the sound of his voice was like a lullaby calling me into sleep.hahaha.. Such an exaggeration. Most of the time i was like in my own world thinking about unhappy things that happen to me this week. I don’t know how to go out from this problematic, idiosynchratic, complicated issue. Bak kata orang, ditelan mati mak, diluah mati bapak. Yeke? Tak tahula betul tak peribahasa tu. Biasela, orang dah lame tak menulis dalam bahasa melayu, macam itulah gayanya. Fikiran saya lebih banyak menerawang cuba mencari jalan keluar, terlalu banyak solutions yang available tapi terlalu tinggi risk untuk kecederaan hati bagi semua jalan penyelesaian yang mampu difikirkan. Biarlah masa yang menentukan, moga Allah menunjukkan jalan kebahagiaan yang tidak akan melukai hati sesiapa. Ataupun biarlah saya sahaja yang terluka, kerana semuanya berpunca daripada kelemahan saya sendiri. Hanya Allah yang mengetahui baik buruk segalanya. Mungkin pada pandangan mata, tilikan minda, rasa hati kita, sesuatu itu baik, tetapi sebenarnya tidak, tetapi mungkin apa yang kita tidak sukai itu lebih baik di sisi Allah, & yang terbaik untuk diri kita. Justeru saya mengajar diri untuk lebih sabar, sabar menanti sinar kebahagiaan yang diredhaiNya. Tiada guna jika kite merasa gembira tetapi Allah murka. Firman Allah di dalam kitab suci Al-Quranul Karim:

“Apa yg ada di sisimu akan lenyap, dan apa yang ada di sisi Allah adalah kekal. Dan Kami pasti akan memberi balasan kepada orang yang sabar dengan pahala yang lebih baik dari apa yang telah mereka kerjakan”

Dikala kelas kedua bermula, saya mendapat pesanan sms daripada my very bestfriend, Praveena. Yup, seorang non-muslim, yang saya sangat percayai, sangat ikhlas dalam persahabatan kami. Telah lami kami bersahabat, sejak di Intec lagi kerana berada di kelas yang sama. Cuma sayang, ketika di IMU, kami jarang dapat berjumpa, bercerita & menghabiskan masa bersama kerana kelas saya yang terlalu pack, menyukarkan sebarang plan hang out or girls nite out to be done with her, a medic student who has more free time due to unpack shedule of classes. Tetapi, bile kami berjumpa, pasti berjam-jam akan dihabiskan just for catching up stories. In the sms Pravee’s said that one of her friend is coming up to IMU to pick up some friends then go to her house. She wanted to see me, so if possible, I can have a ride with her friend. Sms itu menambah serabut kepala yang telah pun serabut dengan masalah lelaki, kerana saya dah pun berjanji dengan anis untuk keluar bersama ke time square & sg. wang. Mujur anis faham, dan saya memberi assurance akan terus sahaja pergi ke time square setelah berjumpa Pravee di rumahnya. I arrived at Pravee’s house with my batchmate, Adelin around 1.30 and then we spending the time chatting, laughing together until around 3.30. I was so sad that she is going to be in Australia next day. Who’s going to listen to my problem, my stupid jokes & stories anymore? These wishes are specially dedicated to my lovely Praveena:

Although we maybe thousands mile apart, but I’m sure you are very close in my heart. The days that we went through together, the tears, sweats and laughter will remind me of how special our friendship is. Hope you will find your soul mate and make sure to rock Melbourne with your beauty brain, outstanding charisma and sweet smile of Praveena.

Hari ini adalah hari Selasa yang tak menarik..Kenapela ramai sangat orang yang rapat with saya buat saya menangis, sakit hati, kecil hati, dan segala penyakit hatila. Tension betul. Baru nak merasa keamanan hidup selepas Anticancer Report Paper dah berjaya dihabiskan dan dah di submit pun. Report yang diberi masa 2 bulan untuk disiapkan tetapi saya hanya ada cuti CNY yang hanya seminggu je untuk mula dan menamatkan menaip dan membaca semua research paper. hmmm, ape nak jadila dengan Ainullisa ni. Tetapi alhamdulillah, Allah masih mengasihani, saya berjaya menyiapkan report tersebut. Memang penuh kepala otak selama seminggu dengan anticancer research paper. Paling menarik apabila bersembang dengan rakan se-Uni, hanya anticancer yang saya muntahkan untuk santapan telinga dan pengisian minda diorang.

“Lantakla, seminggu je korang kene bertahan dengan omelan saya about anticancer”

Pagi tadi ada 2 back to back lecture of Drug & Disease III on Adverse Drug Reaction. Saya yang masuk lagi beberapa minit sebelum jam menunjukkan 10.30, terkejut dengan pemandangan lecture hall yang agak kosong. Bukan agak kosong, memang hampir kosong pun. Berapa kerat sahaja batchmates yang wujud dalam lecture hall yang besar tu..bole dikatakan hanya 1/3 daripada class yang hadir. Keresahan telah mula kelihatan di wajah Mr. David, apetah lagi, hari ni, lecture will be delivered by visiting lecturer from Uni of Strathclyde, Prof Brian Furman. Mesti Mr. David menahan malu, melihatkan lecture hall yang kosong. Saya & Iqa yang duduk bersebelahan telah mula mengira2 consequence of this empty hall situation. Biasela, di kala hari submission of aasigment,  majority of my batchmates will escape lectures, completing their work in the e-lab or at home. Tapi lecture tetap diteruskan. Agak bosan sebab monotonous of the speaker made me felt sleepy. Ala, if tak monotonous pun saya memang wajib tidur dalam class. Dahla duduk in the 3rd line from the stage, lagi mau tidur. Tapi hari ni berjaya tak tidur dengan lama sebab takut Prof. marah. Lagipun kenela jaga imej, nanti ape plak Prof ni fikir about Malaysian students. Class berjaya disempurnakan 30 minit lebih awal. Terus sahaja saya & Sara menuju ke lib, nak print anticancer report. aduhai, printer buat hal. Habis telan my credit. Dahla baru je topup printing credit pagi tu sebelum ke kelas Prof. Pukul 2.30 baru report kami selamat dihantar ke Academic Affairs Department. Alhamdulillah. Inilah first time saya betul2 baca all those researchpaper dengan penuh minat. Sara pun berkongsi perasaan yang sama. Kami berdua bersetuju dengan objective assignment ni diberi-melatih kami menulis research paper dengan betul, as a preparation for our final year research project in Strathclyde nanti. Hati puas melihat hasil kerja walaupun minggu sebelum CNY, saya dah bertekad tak nak wat this report. Nak pasrah, give up je. Biar hilang 20%. That was a seriously crazy idea, & im not that type of person. I wont compromise my marks due to my weakness or problem.  Semangat datang kembali cuti CNY hari tu.

Yang tak bestnya hari ni sebab kene lecture with my friend. Penat nangis. Pastu malam, tunggu seorang kawan ni nak chatting kejap  ngan dia, skali dia pergi chatting with orang lain plak. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…………hari selasa yang best, tapi bile senja melabuhkan tirainya, kesedihan menjelma. Saya tak pernah tahu plak berkawan kene bersyarat.

“If nak kawan dengan saya, awak mesti wat ni, tu, ni, tu…..”

Thanx la, kat kawan yang bagi lecture tadi, baru saya tahu nak berkawan dengan anda, saya perlu melunaskan syarat yang anda beri. Sedih betul. Kenapa, nak bersahabat pun kene bersayarat? Kenapa tak boleh kawan je dengan semua orang? Kenapa? Penat fikir………….Hidup ni penuh dengan syarat kan? Nak masuk SBP, kene jadi top student; nak masuk U, kene dapat pointer bagus; nak dapat scholarship kene result gempak, nak dapat suami soleh kene jadi muslimah solehah, tapi takkan nak berkawan pun ada syarat2nya? Pelik…Tidak mengapela, esok masih ada untuk diteruskan. Kepada sahabat2 yang telah membuat saya menjadi agak bipolar malam ni, terima kasih. Apepun, syukur sebab 2 reports Pharmacy Practice telah berjaya disiapkan, due date Jumaat ni..yeay*** —-wink—-

Esok nak jumpe Praveena, hope my wednesday will be a bright day..hihihi..miss u a lot pravee..

In life, Allah has given 3 timeframes;

YESTERDAY was a history;

TOMORROW is a mystery;

& TODAY is a gift- that’s why it is called present

SAHABAT,

1 nama penuh makna,

Ia hadir tika tawa,

Ia datang tika duka,

Tiada pada cinta,

Tiada pada lafaz,

Hanya kejujuran menyulami hati,

Hanya keikhlasan menyirami jiwa,

Kebaikan dihargai, kesalahan dimaafi,

Andai itu dinamakan SAHABAT,

Bajailah ia dengan kuntuman kasih kepadaNya,

Moga ikatan diberkatiNya,

Kekal abadi selamanya.

“Seringkali aku berfikir,

Bagaimana mulia dan bersihnya hati Nabi kita,

Tetap senyum bila dibenci,

Tetap membantu bila walau disakiti,

Tetap menyeru walau diusir pergi,

Tetapi mengapa kita mudah membenci bila dikasari,

Mudah putus asa bila yang dilakukan tidak menjadi,

Mudah kecewa bila orang lain tidak memahami,

Mudah terguris bila diri dinasihati,

Ayuh kita teruskan mujahadah,

Agar segala yang indah menghiasi peribadi,

Kerana qudwah kita adalah Nabi,

Kerana itulah sifat hamba Allah yang hakiki.”

“Demi Allah yang Maha Esa,

Sesungguhnya tidak disediakan jalan yang mudah untuk menuju cintaMu,

Menitisnya airmata tatkala berasa jauh,

Tetapi janji Allah tetap segar & mekar,

Tanpa pengkhianatan,

Kerana kuyakini Allah berfirman,

“Wajiblah cintaKu kepada orang yang berkasih sayang keranaKu”

– Asy Syahid Hassan Al-Banna-

Bagaimana harus dimulakan entry kali ini ye? I don’t know where to begin and where to stop. Honestly, my heart is totally damaged right now. Not medically but spiritually. Thanks to those people who succeeded in smashing my heart into pieces as tiny as can’t be seen with the high resolution electron microscope. Siapakah orang tu? hmm.. entah.. Siapa yang terasa tu, andalah orangnya. Tapi Ainul tak pastila orang tu akan terasa sebab dia bukan baca pun my blog. hahahaha…so takpela, at least i feel relieved dah luah kat blog.

Now nak cite pasal ayah & ibula. InsyaAllah, by this afternoon, ayah can be discharged from KPJ after being admitted on Friday. “Ainul tak balik rumah ke cuti ni?” Tanya housemate Jumaat yang baru sahaja berlalu. “Tak balikla, kene siapkan anticancer yang Ainul tak start buat ape-ape pun lagi. If balik pun, bukan ke rumah, maybe stay di hospital”. I am sure inside their head there were running thoughts of “hospital again?, ayah ke ibu Ainul ni yang masuk hospital?, sakit apa?”

Sebenarnya, ayah dan ibu datang ke KL hari Jumaat tu sebab melakukan rutin blood test ibu di PPUM. Ainul pesan pada ibu if sempat datangla ke vista, tolong hantarkan handsfree yang tertinggal di rumah masa balik rumah minggu lepas. Kenapa ainul balik rumah minggu lepas, padahal tiada dalam plan for that weekend. Obviously, I wasn’t planning to go back home last weekend cause Drug& Disease test was scheduled on Monday (19/01). Obviously I had planned to cover all CNS topics that had been taught as perfectly as I did before to get the highest mark possible. But as the saying goes “Manusia hanya merancang, Allah yang menentukan”. On Thursday night, around 11.30 pm, my uncle who stays in PD called me up, asking for my house phone’s no. I was a bit shocked, because as far as I know, he did have the number. I gave him the number and he didn’t say anything wasn’t going right. Why he needed that number? May curiosity went high & I started to build my own hypothesis but none was correct because the next day, early in the morning ibu called me to inform that ayah had met with an accident & was admitted to Hosp. PD. Itu menjawab rasa’tak sedap hati’ yang ainul rasa malam tu, sampai tak mampu nak study atau buat apa2. Pak Teh ni pun 1, bukan nak bagitau malam tu, tapi tak bolehla nak salahkan dia. According to ibu, ayah tak bagi bagitau ainul & abang (my bro).

I was startled when I heard the news that was told by ibu about ayah. Hmmm..sebenarnya, itulah hari kedua yang Ainul dapat rasa ketenangan. Tapi dirampas lagi. Allah je tahu betapa remuknya hati ni. Ibu mintak Ainul balik after class pagi tu, sebab abang dah sah2 tak dapat balik. Ibu cakap “ takpela, bawakla balik buku, study kat rumah”. How’s ayah condition? Dadanya sakit sebab terhentak kt stereng sampai senget stereng tu, dahi tercabut kulit sebelah kanan sebab kepala terhantuk kat cermin kereta. Nak tahu siapa salah? Cina yang bawak van tu sebab dia masuk jalan ayah, dahla datang dari opposite direction. So, Ainul pun balikla rumah after class tengahari tu sebab ada class Biopharmacy by Dr. Ong. If tak datang nanti tak dapat jawab test plak next Friday. Next Friday? Yup, next Friday the same week as CNS test. Mestilah nak balik rumah, if duk IMU pun hati tak tenang nak study sebab ayah kat hospital. Ayah tu..if takde ayah, takdela Ainul kat dunia ni. Tapi hati cemas juga, sebab dah tahu if balik rumah, mesti takkan study punye. Takpela, ini ujian Allah. Sabar ye ainul. Roommate ainul, Zul pun tak tahu ayah Ainul accident. Wan je tahu maybe sebab dia terdengar perbualan Ainul & ibu. Ainul bagitau dia jela, sebab dia yang tanye.

Sampai Seremban, call ibu. Tanye samada nak Ainul pergi hospital terus ke balik rumah dulu. Ibu kata balik umah dulu, nanti petang lepas asar pergi hospital dengan Pak Teh. Sampai rumah tengok ibu tengah tidur. Lunch tak masak lagi, mesti ibu lapar. Yela, ibu pun tak sihat. She is till in recovery period post Whipple surgery. Nak tahu ape tu Whipple surgery? http://www.mayoclinic.org/pancreatic-cancer/whippleprocedure.html

Kesian ibu, dahla tak sihat, semakin kurus, katanya latest berat 45kg. MasyaAllah. Hati kecil Ainul menangis tengok keadaan ibu. Ya Allah berilah Ainul kekuatan. Terus sahaja ke dapur goreng ayam, ape yang patut nak bagi ibu & adik2 makan. Ainul pun sebenarnya tak makan dari pagi. Siapa yang ada hati nak makan dalam situasi gawat sebegini. Dah masak, makan sekali with ibu. Alahai, sikitnya ibu makan. Memang itulah gayanya selepas operation. Nasi hanya 2-3 sudu. Ainul wat macam biasa, bercerita macam2, biasela wat report to ibu about my life. Tapi dalam keadaan macam sekarang, wat report yang happy2 jela. Happy? Rasanya dah lama word tu hilang dari kamus hidup Ainul. Sejak tahun lepas lagi. Sejak masuk IMU, where my long distance relationship started to face problem. But now, its recovered as we are happy to be just friend. Really?

Maybe best friends. So, no commitment but still we take care for each other as what friends always do.

Petang tu, pergi visit ayah di hospital. Kami terlambat rupanya sebab Mak Tam, Pak andak, Pak Lang & Pak Usu already arrived. Mak Tam & Pak Usu were busy occupying themselves massaging ayah. I saw a great appreciation of love between them. Yes, ayah’s siblings are very closed to each other. I admire their love to each other. Badan ayah panas, maybe demam terkejut. Lepas je pakcik2, & makcik beredar ke kedai makan Mak Teh, Ainul & Syiqin (my only sis) layan ayah. Kami siapkan makanan ayah. Lepas makan, Ainul amik tugas lap badan ayah. I love this task. Dulu sebulan kat hospital, Ainul mandikan, tak pun lapkan ibu. At least I have the opportunity berbakti to ayah, ibu before fly to UK this coming June. Rasa happy sangat dapat lap badan ayah. Bersihkan darah atas kepala. Apela orang hospital ni, wat keje tak habis. Bersihkanlah betul2.

Ayah was discharged the next day (Sat). Cepatnya.. Berapa hari MC ayah dapat? Sampai 20/01 je. Ha? Sekejapnya. A’a doctor tu kedekut. Apa jadi dengan kereta? Entah, ainul pun tak pergi tengok kat workshop tu. So, kat rumah ada 2 orang sakit now ni. 2 orang yang penting. Ayah & ibu. Petang Sabtu tu Ainul pergi mall, nak beli barang rumah yang dah habis. Dah kene jadi ketua keluarga. Siapkan makan malam, kemas rumah. Memang tak sempatla nak study. Ingatkan lepas pastikan ayah & ibu makan, Ainul nk study, tapi ngantuk merajai mata. Ainul tidur. Tak larat nak study. Ainul terbangun pukul 3 pagi, plan nak study. Tapi Ainul baca Quran dulu bagi sejuk hati. Habis baca Quran, terus buka buku DD II. Ya Allah, nak kene revise pasal otak. Disease? Affective disorder & anxiety disorder. Ha, ada fakta menarik. Rasanya Ainul ada bipolar disorder type II. Hahahaha.. Baru habis 1 page, ngantuk lagi. Apelagi, menyempit kat adik, tidur ngan dia.

Sebagai ketua keluarga, kenela pergi pasar. So, pagi Ahad tu pergi pasar. Sorang2. sekarang musim takde ikan. So ikan besar2 je ada. Nak beli ikan ape untuk ibu ni. Ibu tak boleh makan ayam. Ayah pun tak makan ayam. Beli jela ikan bawal ni. Nampak cam sedap. Balik rumah, siang ikan, potong ayam. Bersedia nak masak lunch pula. Lambat2 nanti, lambat pula saip kerja, lambat balik IMU. Esok ada test. Huhuhu… Takpe2, sabar2. Ayah pun risau tengok Ainul tak bersiap2 lagi nak balik IMU. Pukul 4 Ainul pun memulakan perjalanan balik. Ya Allah ramainya orang hari ni kat KTM Seremban. Oleh sebab tak nak sampai IMU lambat, Ainul naik jela train yang padat tu. Berdiri sepanjang perjalanan ke Bandar Tasik Selatan. Hmmm..penat. Balik rumah, housemate semua dah bersedia nak tengok Anugerah Juara Lagu. ”Sori, Ainul, u can’t watch it”, i said to myself. Of course I have to study. Hello, esok ada testla. 30% plak tu.

Apejadi masa test? Entah, tiba2 blur. Tak ingat banyak benda. ”hasbiyallahu lailahaillahuwal haiyul Qayyum waatuubu ilaih”.. Hanya itu yang mampu Ainul wat, selang seli dengan selawat. I kept continue writing. Nak tahu ape soalannya?

”Explain affective disorder and the relationship with monoamine hypothesis. Discuss the pharmacotherapy for depression and the neuroadaptation on long term therapy”

Ha, buat essay tu dalam masa 1 jam. Sempat? Tawakal jela. Hopefully Allah mengasihini Ainul.

Ha, cerita ayah masuk hospital KPJ akan disambung in next entry..penatla menaip..

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